Combining Worlds

When I first discovered I was pregnant, I had a car fully packed with camping gear and a single blow up mattress that fit the length of my car with the seats folded down. I was planning on driving from Melbourne, Australia where I had been living with four years, up to Far North Queensland by myself, a 40 hour drive. The week leading up to my departure date, my breasts hurt and I felt exhausted and nauseous. To put my mind at ease I peed on a pregnancy test 24 hours before my road trip and it came back positive. Knowing this could be my last time to have an adventure as a completely free woman I went on with the trip.
Living in Melbourne, Australia, we had some of the toughest covid restrictions in the world. I was unable to travel home to see my family for 2 years. When I discovered I was pregnant the need to go home was severe and consuming. I applied to leave the country and as soon as that was granted I was on a plane at 28 weeks pregnant. I left without my partner, knowing he would be coming over in a month.
Looking back on my experience as a pregnant woman, it still feels surreal. I doesn't feel familiar anymore, all I know is my life as a new mother now. I was so hopeful and afraid of combing my old self in a childless world with my new role as a mother. I didn't want to lose myself in motherhood, but the first few weeks it didn't make sense that I was responsible for this boy. The sleep deprivation felt like torture, I could barely put myself in the shower to wash the blood and sweat off of me, there's nothing pretty about it. But then my little boy started smiling, sleeping longer during the night, holding my finger with his little hand, this is a new kind of adventure. I know I can combine my worlds now. Motherhood is untamed. Motherhood is sharing my son with my family and friends. Motherhood is introducing my boy to my world. Motherhood is watching my son discover his own world. And someday I will get to take my son on a road trip and share being be wild and free.