Private Story
An American Family
Tamara grew up raised by her grandmother after her seventeen year old mother put her up for adoption, though Tamara’s mother remained in her life. While on her way to school at fifteen years old, Tamara was shot and told she could never have children. Following in her mother’s footsteps, Tamara first became pregnant at sixteen: “I got pregnant at 16. I carried the baby for 6 months, my mother made me get rid of it. It should’ve been expected right? Because she didn’t keep me.”
After leaving the hospital, Tamara moved in with her mother. Soon after she moved out and in with a friend after her mother’s boyfriend began to molest her. On her own and between jobs for several years, Tamara battled depression. By her early 20s, Tamara was a mother of three and addicted to crack cocaine. ACS placed her children with other family members and Tamara visited rehab twice in an effort to regain custody of her children: “After that I went back to stay with my grandmother in the Bronx with the three kids and that’s when the addiction started. Yeah, it was a couple of years later before I went to rehab. First I fell, I hit rock bottom in the addiction. The kids stayed at my aunt’s then. They tried to adopt them, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. I don’t know, I had to--I’m glad that I went through what I went through with the addiction because I’m stronger now. There’s nothing that could turn me back.”
Now she is a mother to thirteen children and grandmother to seventeen children who she loves more than anything. At Sixty-one years old, Tamara believes her life has just begun. Tamara describes her wish for herself: “Okay, my life now should just begin, which should contain all my grands, because that’s where I want to be. I don’t want to take trips around the world. Every now and then you could take me to a spa or I could go spend a night in a hotel for a weekend. Just to clear my head because everyone needs to do that, but I don’t want to be nowhere else but with my babies.”
In 2016, Tamara was able to throw a baby shower for her daughter Shanice’s second child, Aiden. During Shanice’s first pregnancy at seventeen years old, the family was living in a shelter. Tamara was not angry with her, but told Shanice that whatever she chose to do, Tamara would be there for her. Tamara never had a shower during her pregnancies and was never able to throw one for her children. Tamara’s other children had their children after they had grown and moved out. Tamara was glad to be there for Shanice throughout her pregnancy to throw her a baby shower: “I went through the pregnancy, touching the baby, waking up to her at night, touching her stomach. I did all of that with her. I wanted to give her a baby shower for real, but we were in a shelter so it was hard. We didn’t have transportation to get stuff, we didn’t have all of that. When she got pregnant again, my heart was set on a baby shower for Shanice.” Tamara views it as “a blessing, you know I had thirteen kids and never had a baby shower. So to give Shanice one that…I felt like I have was having a baby. It felt like I having a baby but I didn’t tell her that. It was a blessing. I never had a baby shower, not one.”
At the shower, fifty people gathered to celebrate the new baby and support Shanice. At the shower, men took care of the children, holding, feeding and looking after them while the women danced and celebrated. Surrounded by friends, her siblings and her girlfriend, Shanice was able to receive the baby shower that her mother was never able to have. Tamara was thrilled to have the family together: “I enjoyed all of them being here, everyone that came out and it was a blessing. The turnout was just great. It was great. Every time I talk about it I smile. That was a baby shower. That was a baby shower for my king, Aiden.”
Nine of Tamara’s children and grandchildren still live with her permanently, including three of her children, Shanice’s girlfriend, one cousin, one nephew and three grandchildren. Shanice’s girlfriend has taken on the role of a parent, helping Tamara and Shanice with the children. Aiden’s father is still in contact, but Tamara emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility: “With the babies father, [Shanice] went through the ups and downs with him and his family. I mean, he comes around every six months. Doesn’t matter, like I told her: you said you wanted it and you’re not doing it for him, so it doesn’t matter if he walks through the door or not. You want to keep your head high, you ain’t gon’ give attitude, you gon’ take care of yours. You’ll survive. It’s beautiful if the father’s here, don’t get me wrong, but if they’re not, so be it.”
Tamara is currently on public assistance and in poor health. The bullet from thirty-nine years ago is still lodged in her back. She does her best to manage her heart problems and high blood pressure. Though she would like to work, her bad back and leg prevent her from walking more than two blocks. But Tamara still represents a great support system for her children and grandchildren, who have been in and out of homeless shelters. Tamara and all of her children, save two, have seen the inside of a jail cell: “I was locked up around 9/11 2001. I was at Riker’s Island for a couple of weeks until the next court date and I was in the Supreme Court actually, but I got out. I had a very understanding judge. She said, ‘Go home and take care of them kids.’ And I never went back in or used the drugs anymore. I was accused of selling drugs: crack cocaine to an undercover. I didn’t sell to an undercover.” Despite the difficulties that poverty, illness, incarceration and teenage pregnancy have presented, like many families in America Tamara’s holds itself together by supporting each other: “There’s a lot of parents out there who turn their back. Don’t turn your back on your kids. We were never perfect. Ain’t no parent gonna sit there and tell me they were perfect. Nobody was perfect. Never turn your back on ‘em.”
An American Family follows Tamara and her family has experienced the struggles that many other American families have shared. Their resilience in the face of adversity has allowed them to remain loving, supportive and connected as a family. Tamara always looks to the future: “I was in and out of the system...You know, it gets harder, you get scared. I don’t know where the next meal is gonna come from. I gotta be a little hustle. Not illegal hustle, but I gotta be a little hustle and do things to make sure my family stays afloat. I think if I didn’t have them I wouldn’t be here no more. I’m living for myself, but I’m living more though for them. I like to see them grow. It’s fun, we have fun together. We cry together, we talk together, we laugh together.” Despite hardships, Tamara counts her blessings and views each of her children and grandchildren--her whole family, despite their troubles--as a gift.
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