Private Story
Between Dark & Dawn
Summary
The pandemic redefined the ubiquitous yet powerful act of becoming a mother. Between Dark and Dawn is an ongoing, personal and conceptual documentary project about the maternal temporality of becoming a mother.
- Tell us more about the photo(s). What stands out to you now, looking back? Is there any additional context you’d like to share with our audience?
These pictures were mostly photographed during February and March 2021, when my son turned one. We had been isolating with my parents in Washington, DC for the seven months. I was in the middle of my second year as an MFA student, teaching and taking courses online. During winter break we decided to rent our friend's apartment in Miami Beach - a respite from the long, dark monotonous winter. This project is a result of isolation and seclusion during the Covid-19 pandemic. I did not photograph other people’s stories due to the element of risk to my family. Through my gaze as a mother and as a photographer, I wanted to show the fundamental human experience of becoming a mother called matrescence - one of the most profound transitions a woman will ever experience. The image of my hair in the ocean, called "Birth Canal," is one of my favorites. For me, it depicts the depths in which I dove to deliver my son and how I eventually emerged as a mother. - 2. Can you describe what it has been like being a mother? What are the challenges and triumphs, and what would you like readers to know about your experience?
My duality of motherhood wavers with ambivalence. It is a tidal force of a love so strong, that is both spiritual and giving, physical and depleting. Moments of pure joy or nostalgia, both past and present, clash and exist together as I watch my son develop into a toddler. The experience of mothering is complex, diverse and extraordinary. But nothing could have prepared me for motherhood except for experience itself. Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, who said: “The wave does not need to die to become water. She is already water.” Water, for me, represents the power of motherhood, the life cycle that begins with water, and the transformative depths from which mothers emerge. It would be cliche to say that being a mother while in grad school during the pandemic was hard. Parenting is hard. Our society does little to support families yet dictates women's bodies. This was apparent in grad school in which I faced various levels of micro-aggressions from non-parenting professors who simply did not understand how I have to navigate and negotiate between two worlds: the maternal world and the patriarchal world. - 3. What does motherhood mean to you?
Motherhood to me isn't just being a mom in the traditional sense. It is place and an identity from which I've learned more about the powerful biological transformation of becoming a mother, child development, and changing family dynamics regarding both family history and contemporary. While in grad school I discovered a scholarship of maternal research that explores the mothering experience. Making the motherhood experience visible became a way for me to retain agency and power as a woman. I've never felt so expanded as a person AND so exhausted. I just wish our patriarchal world would evolve as much as mothers do.
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