Carl Bower

Photographer

Personal Fears by Carl Bower

Personal Fears

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Location: Denver, Colorado

Nationality: United States

Biography: I'm a Denver-based editorial photographer and Pulitzer finalist whose work has been exhibited in galleries and museums throughout the U.S. I specialize in portraits and reportage. I play nice with others and get things done.

Michael I’m afraid of not being loved or cared for.

1 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Michael
I’m afraid of not being loved or cared for.

Mandy I'm afraid of dying alone.

2 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Mandy
I'm afraid of dying alone.

Palynn I am terrified that my ...bouts of mental health issues.

3 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Palynn
I am terrified that my genetics will someday be my future. Afraid of the voices in my head or that those bits of paranoia aren't acceptable and in fact the result of a disorder. My grandmother was schizophrenic and killed herself when I was six months old. I've lived with her shadow. My dad always warning "that stuff skips a generation,” and it's terrified me since childhood as I've struggled through my own bouts of mental health issues.

Keriba When my son died, I lie... let myself realize the truth.

4 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Keriba
When my son died, I lied to myself and said he was just spending the night with a friend. I keep telling myself that lie any time I start thinking about him being gone. I’m afraid of who or what I’ll become if I ever let myself realize the truth.

Chelsea I wake up every mornin... of anger. That too scares me.

5 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Chelsea
I wake up every morning afraid to get out of bed because I know I’m going to have to encounter others during the day. I stay inside most of the time for that reason. I’m afraid of being myself, being trans, and living with it day after day. I fear the judgement of others as I walk down the street. I fear it so intensely that the simple act of being noticed by others on the street gives me anxiety.

I fear men. All men, but particularly straight white men. This fear is more like a physical fear for my life. I actively avoid them at all costs. When I can’t avoid them, I pick fights with them. This usually makes them not want to be around me… mission accomplished. I am, however, physically attracted to them.

I fear anything that makes me cry or feel any kind of emotion other than anger. It’s become easy for me divert my fear onto a path of anger. That too scares me.

Colleen My worst fear is being...nough for anyone just as I am.

6 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Colleen
My worst fear is being abandoned, unloved and unimportant. I’m afraid I will never be good enough for anyone just as I am.

Kait I’m afraid of N... enough to trust someone else.

7 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Kait
I’m afraid of Not Seeing. Of being deceived by others, and also myself. I spent many years with someone, only to discover that he may have never, ever told me the truth. Constantly lying with words, omissions and actions while living very real and secret lives from the ones I saw. This fear of not recognizing deception and participating in it unknowingly is persistent and burdensome. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine trusting myself enough to trust someone else.

Jennifer I’m afraid ...dom. It never entered my mind.

8 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Jennifer
I’m afraid of going to federal prison. I live in a house full of roomies. At some point, someone was possibly involved in something deplorable in an online medium. I got caught in a crossfire. I'm currently waiting for my attorney to hear from the DA. For the last four months, I've deeply analyzed my current life and overall existence. I can't describe the utter terror of potentially having my life ended by imprisonment. It’s impossible to fathom and completely surreal when you’re confronted with it. What do you do when you are faced with the possibility of your life, everything you are familiar with, everything you wanted, hoped and dreamed of could end at any moment? I stressed about work, who I would marry, would I ever have kids, should I start a business. I had been told all my life not to take my health, finances, friends and loved ones for granted. I never thought for a moment to appreciate freedom. It never entered my mind.

Makayla I’m terrifie... control over love every time.

9 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Makayla
I’m terrified of my ultra conservative family discovering my bisexuality. I’m also afraid of disconnection. I tell myself I’m not ready to settle down with one person, I need variety, I’m too independent, I’m still finding myself. It’s all true, but it’s also a barrier. When I find myself getting close to truly loving someone, I end up self-sabotaging. Being vulnerable is an experience that connects us, but once we are hurt, nobody is willing to open up again, to trust completely. Relationships start to become more meaningless, surface level, or all about sex. I fear a world full of people using each other; I fear that I am one of those people. No matter my intentions or how aware I am, I disconnect and choose control over love every time.

Holli I am afraid that I drive...ing a murderous/suicidal soul.

10 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Holli

I am afraid that I drive men to either die or want to murder me. Last year the guy I was supposed to move in with died of a heart attack. He was 33 years old. A guy I was supposed to go on a date with didn’t show up because he died of a heart attack. A guy I was having an emotional affair with died of a seizure just before I left my boyfriend for him. I’ve had two boyfriends try to kill me. One shot at me and missed by centimeters. The bullet went through my hair. The other tried to kill me by beating me to death. I am afraid that because of this, love is not an option and any semblance of love is only disguising a murderous/suicidal soul.

Esa I’m afraid of lo...y doing anything with my life.

11 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Esa
I’m afraid of loneliness and of never actually doing anything with my life.

Mathiba I left South Africa wh...ever knowing where my home is.

12 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Mathiba
I left South Africa when I was seventeen to study in America on a scholarship. It was an opportunity for me to strive and change my surroundings. Though I made friends in America, I always felt lonely in a crowd. America felt foreign, and I was always reminded of things I couldn’t do because of my own foreign status. Because of my background, I always have to work harder to prove that I am capable. When I visited South Africa after six years of living in the States, I felt lonely there as well. The place I thought I knew so well had also become foreign to me. I felt like people did not understand me, they had changed. So had I. My biggest fear is never knowing where my home is.

Mireille I’m afraid ...en alone for such a long time.

13 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Mireille
I’m afraid of people. I had genital reassignment surgery ten years ago and I’m afraid of getting to know new people because I’m afraid they’ll reject me (or physically attack me) once they know, even though I figure everyone at least suspects it immediately anyway. It’s very hard to meet people and I’ve been alone for such a long time.

Dan Aside from losing my paren...ing my heart to true intimacy.

14 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Dan
Aside from losing my parents or having something terrible happen to my children, deep down I’m afraid of two things: not truly living my life, and opening my heart to true intimacy.

Tala I fear hurting or losing ...rsquo;m wasting precious time.

15 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Tala
I fear hurting or losing people I love, I fear failure. Growing up, I feared both motherhood and being a housewife, until I realized I was not required to do either. Like many 30-something single women, I fear I won’t find a partner. I fear I’ve missed opportunites that won’t come back. I fear I’ll never figure out what it is I need to do to be content. I fear there’s not enough years in a human life for everything I’d like to do, and that I’ve not been making any progress on such things lately anyway. I fear I’m wasting precious time.

Julia We adopted both of our c...d she will come back. So am I.

16 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Julia
We adopted both of our children from Ethiopia. Our ten-year-old son came home at seven months but our twelve-year-old daughter was already four years old when we got her. She has severe Reactive Attachment Disorder and was so abusive to my son, me, and our dogs that she had to go to a therapeutic treatment home. From there she went to another family who has raised children like her and will likely adopt her. This process takes six months, and they can decide to back out at anytime within that window. We are at month five. My son is terrified she will come back. So am I.

Leah I am a 29-year-old single...y loves me and sees me for me.

17 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Leah
I am a 29-year-old single mother of three. I am separated from my husband and was just laid off from work. I have always been a very strong person going through many tough situations and always coming out the other side. I have a strong relationship with God but fear that I may never be good enough or strong enough to be the woman God has called me to be. I know He has a plan but I continue to muck things up. I’m scared of inadequacy as a mother and as a woman as a whole. I’m scared I may never fall in love with someone who truly loves me and sees me for me.

Amanda I have been secretly af...ments, took pills, and shaved.

18 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Amanda
I have been secretly afraid of allowing my facial hair to be present on my face. I am a woman who started growing a mustache around ten years old. I am now in my thirties and it has expanded to a full-blown beard. Currently, I have been letting it grow for three months. For the other twenty-plus years I plucked, waxed, received laser treatments, took pills, and shaved.

Ava I’m afraid of ha...re I am and settling for that.

19 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Ava
I’m afraid of having to work too hard at my age to either start over, or build on what I do now. I can’t imagine having the passion and drive to really make something more of myself. At the same time, I’m afraid of staying just where I am and settling for that.

Paul I’m recently di...alone for the rest of my life.

20 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Paul
I’m recently divorced, and I’m afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life.

Patricia I’m afraid ...er acting because of my fears.

21 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Patricia

I’m afraid of someone seeing through me and calling me on the fact that my cheery disposition is all a facade and that I’m empty inside except for the feelings of depression, anxiety, and inadequacy. That I would give anything to just feel like I’m part of something and that I belong. I’m afraid of failure and looking stupid, so I don’t try anything new. I’m afraid of going through life without living, of never acting because of my fears.

Jenny I’m afraid of ...eate, the person I want to be.

22 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Jenny
I’m afraid of ending up with a mediocre life. I’ve always dreamed of mystery, greatness, adventure, and metamorphosis, but I’ve lived with depression and anxiety for some time now and it holds me back from figuring out who I truly want to be, deep inside. I tend to lack motivation, even for things I really want. It’s a daily struggle to remain focused on the actions I can take now to ensure a better future. Perhaps slowly, I am improving the way I think. I have to constantly focus on the direction I want to go, the world I want to create, the person I want to be.

Meg I used to see this woman w...yes and find the light switch.

23 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Meg
I used to see this woman when I was addicted to pain killers. After seeing her a few times, I communicated with her and she told me she ended up living in the walls and mirrors of my old house when I was 16. After that, I've always been deathly afraid of dark bathrooms, especially when I walk into the room and no light is on and all I see is some of my face. I can't really do it anymore, I have to close my eyes and find the light switch.

Daviana I’m terrifie...my excessive and unusual ways.

24 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Daviana
I’m terrified of loving him uninhibitedly, and either falling short or overwhelming him with my excessive and unusual ways.

Albert I’m a Veteran...mp;rsquo;s a waking nightmare.

25 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Albert
I’m a Veteran Airborne Combat Medic, and the first soldier in Iraq that I tried to save died on me. I was doing chest compressions, unaware of the nick near his eye where a small piece of shrapnel entered and began a hemorrhage in his brain. He might have lived, but there I was, pumping blood, flooding his cranial cavity. I was following the orders of a superior who didn’t see the nick either. After all my training to to scan for entry and exit wounds, I stopped short, trusting his authority in the chaos. But he was my patient.

I redeployed to Walter Reed Army medical hospital and watched the tortured bodies of soldiers fighting to survive. I drank too much and was sent to inpatient care to deal not only with not only the the horrors of the battlefield, but the horror of watching soldiers fighting for their lives, hooked to machines that would not let them die, wives pushing their husbands on gurneys because they no longer had limbs and were badly burned all over their bodies. Then I was sent to Afghanistan to clear IEDs and was in over forty firefights where I could have died. When I finally came home, my best friend died while trying to save a man from a car wreck. Everything hit me at once. I’m afraid of not being able to share my experiences with someone who understands everything about me. It’s a waking nightmare.

Janine I’m afraid my... mourn an unspeakable tragedy.

26 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Janine

I’m afraid my baby will die. I’ll be holding her in my arms and she’ll be breathing and I’ll feel the rapture and the relief of okay, we’ve got her now, safe and sound, but then she slips away from us anyway and there’s nothing we can do to bring her back… After all the love and hope and good intention we poured into bringing her to life, she just goes away…and instead of celebrating a miracle, we mourn an unspeakable tragedy.

Sierra I’m intensely...of never becoming one of them.

27 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Sierra

I’m intensely afraid of failure, to the point of paralysis in my creative output. I’m secretly afraid I’ll never harness any of my potential. I crave connection to a community of artists, but have overwhelming thoughts of never becoming one of them.

Mo I am a woman who was once c...ures and a dystopic existence.

28 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Mo
I am a woman who was once courageous and strong. Not now. I got beaten up pretty badly by my profession as a lawyer, society, debt slavery, weak men and my own demons. For many years I blamed my highly dysfunctional New York family for my disadvantages. Now I see a much bigger force at work and it’s working against all of us. I’m afraid of my own failures and a dystopic existence.

Angeline I'm 29, pregn... I am living my fear.

29 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Angeline
I'm 29, pregnant, alone, and homeless. I am living my fear.

Shannon I’m afraid o... fear is a constant companion.

30 of 30 © 2024 Carl Bower

Shannon

I’m afraid of brokenness, of always being a victim. Scared of being alone in ways most people cannot fathom. I had a friend being stalked by her ex, Jason, who was just out of prison. One night when she was closing Subway alone, he came inside and sat by the back door saying nothing, just staring at her. My boyfriend Jeremy and I picked her up and brought her back to our place. An hour and a half later, Jason smashed through our bedroom window with his roommate and said he was going to kill all three of us. Jason's roommate held Jeremy from behind as Jason savagely stabbed and slashed him. I clutched Jeremy to me, desperately trying to plug all the gaping holes. No one even came out of their homes and I know they heard my screams for help but help wasn’t coming and he's gasping and fighting for me, trying to not leave me alone, as I had just lost my dad and had little else. I had to tell him it was okay, that I would be okay and that he could let go now. I felt him relax and slip away with his last breath. With him went my entire life. Gone.

Jason’s roommate is out on bond and heard me testify at pretrial that I saw everything. I've already received threats about the upcoming murder trial and I'm still in the same place it happened. Feeling safe is a luxury I only daydream about, ‘cause when I finally succumb to sleep I'm in that life-shattering moment reliving my agony or hiding from some dark terrible thing coming to consume all that I am. For me, fear is a constant companion.

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Thumbnail of Michael I’m afraid of not being loved or cared for.

Thumbnail of Mandy I'm afraid of dying alone.

Thumbnail of Palynn I am terrified that my g_ bouts of mental health issues.

Thumbnail of Keriba When my son died, I lied_r let myself realize the truth.

Thumbnail of Chelsea I wake up every morning_h of anger. That too scares me.

Thumbnail of Colleen My worst fear is being _enough for anyone just as I am.

Thumbnail of Kait I’m afraid of No_f enough to trust someone else.

Thumbnail of Jennifer I’m afraid o_edom. It never entered my mind.

Thumbnail of Makayla I’m terrified_e control over love every time.

Thumbnail of Holli I am afraid that I drive _sing a murderous/suicidal soul.

Thumbnail of Esa I’m afraid of lon_ly doing anything with my life.

Thumbnail of Mathiba I left South Africa whe_never knowing where my home is.

Thumbnail of Mireille I’m afraid o_een alone for such a long time.

Thumbnail of Dan Aside from losing my parent_ning my heart to true intimacy.

Thumbnail of Tala I fear hurting or losing p_;rsquo;m wasting precious time.

Thumbnail of Julia We adopted both of our ch_ed she will come back. So am I.

Thumbnail of Leah I am a 29-year-old single _ly loves me and sees me for me.

Thumbnail of Amanda I have been secretly afr_tments, took pills, and shaved.

Thumbnail of Ava I’m afraid of hav_ere I am and settling for that.

Thumbnail of Paul I’m recently div_ alone for the rest of my life.

Thumbnail of Patricia I’m afraid o_ver acting because of my fears.

Thumbnail of Jenny I’m afraid of e_reate, the person I want to be.

Thumbnail of Meg I used to see this woman wh_eyes and find the light switch.

Thumbnail of Daviana I’m terrified_ my excessive and unusual ways.

Thumbnail of Albert I’m a Veteran _amp;rsquo;s a waking nightmare.

Thumbnail of Janine I’m afraid my _e mourn an unspeakable tragedy.

Thumbnail of Sierra I’m intensely _ of never becoming one of them.

Thumbnail of Mo I am a woman who was once co_lures and a dystopic existence.

Thumbnail of Angeline I'm 29, pregna_  I am living my fear.

Thumbnail of Shannon I’m afraid of_, fear is a constant companion.

Private Story

Personal Fears

Copyright Carl Bower 2024

Date of Work Nov 2016 - Ongoing

Updated Oct 2018

Location Denver, Colorado

Topics Conceptual, Documentary, Fear, Portraiture

We are not defined by our fears, but I believe they cut to the core of our being in a way that most other feelings do not. Love, hope, humor, determination, solidarity; these we express freely and are often expected of us socially. They unite. Our fears are held closely, and while some elements are held in common, the experience of them is intensely personal and often isolating.

I've asked complete strangers to do something I lack the courage to do myself, to share their secrets and be photographed. Some find it cathartic, an early step toward loosening the grip fears have on their lives. Going out on a limb and finding that they do not fall.

I'm drawn to the dichotomy between who we are and who we appear to be, of how little we know about those around us and what they carry. These small insights might spark a bit of empathy, a suspension of judgement for those who sometimes respond in unexpected ways. That is my hope, though my intent is not purely altruistic, but more of a personal compulsion. I just want to know.

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